From:Supporting Your Adolescent,
Tips for Parents
Prepared by the National Clearinghouse on Families & Youth
August 1996
Adolescence is a time for young people to define their place in the family, peer groups, and the larger community. During this stage of their lives, youth struggle with the transition from childhood to adulthood. During childhood, they depended mainly on their parents for economic and emotional support and direction. In adulthood, though, they will be expected to achieve independence and make choices about school, work, and personal relationships that will affect every aspect of their future.
Without question, adolescence is a difficult time for many young people. During this period, they must contend with physical changes, pressure to conform to current social trends and peer behaviors, and increased expectations from family members, teachers, and other adults. Adolescents also must deal with sometimes conflicting messages from parents, peers, or the media. They struggle with an increasing need to feel as if they "belong." Young people also feel pressure to perform academically or socially.
For some young people, the usual challenges of adolescence are compounded by difficult family situations, overcrowded classrooms, disintegrating neighborhoods, or exposure to alcohol or other drugs. Without support and guidance, these young people may fall victim to behaviors that place them, and others, at risk. In our society, those behaviors include dropping out of school, running away from home, joining gangs, and using alcohol or drugs or becoming involved in other law-breaking behaviors. Some youth may become despondent, leading to academic problems, social isolation, or self-destructive behavior.
Growing Up Today
Each generation of young people and their families faces new, and perhaps more challenging, circumstances. Life for many young people is characterized by shrinking family incomes and growing options with regard to careers, beliefs, and lifestyle choices. More transient lifestyles result in isolation from extended families and a breakdown in the feeling of community. Today, therefore, youth need greater self-direction and poise than ever before to successfully move from adolescence to adulthood.
Today's community and social structures place high demands on young people and their families. Fortunately, though, those systems also offer varied forms of support. Most communities have counseling services, specialized groups, hotlines, and educational courses for both youth and their parents.
Helping your child move to independence requires that you understand healthy adolescent development and how to find the resources that can help you when your child gets off track.
Tips for Parenting When Your Child Becomes an Adolescent
During adolescence, young people begin to take risks and experiment. They do so because they are moving from a family-centered world to the larger community within which they will begin to define their own identity. They may choose friends their parents do not approve of or try alcohol or other drugs. They may wear clothing that is trendy and generational, begin comparing their families' lifestyles with those of other families, or break rules imposed by their parents or the larger community.
Through these actions, young people are testing the limits. They are recreating themselves in a fashion that they believe will allow them to survive without the day-to-day guidance of their parents. They are also trying to shift the balance of power and authority in their own direction. Parents are understandably troubled by the confrontational nature of some adolescent behavior. They also worry about other actions that may threaten the safety of their child.
While there are no easy answers in parenting, the following strategies may help you support your child during adolescence while reducing the risk of serious harm to either your child or another person:
- Educate yourself about adolescent development. Learn about the behaviors to expect, the effects of physical changes, and ways to help your child deal with change.
- Remember your own adolescence: your changing feelings, anger at authority, and fears and hopes. Look at your adolescent's behavior in the context of those memories to help you keep perspective.
- Think about taking a course on good parenting. Parenting is a learned skill. Training can help even experienced parents by giving them new tools for supporting children through adolescence.
- Listen more than talk. Young people have spent at least a decade as listeners in most situations. During adolescence, they want and need the chance to share their feelings and ideas and to begin recasting family beliefs, stories, and traditions in light of their changing identity.
- Teach your adolescent about the joys and troubles of life and ways to revel in the good times and cope with the bad. The myths that life is always easy or fair or that one should always be happy can lead to frustration for young people dealing with the realities of life.
- Use positive reinforcement for positive behavior whenever possible; it is far more effective than criticism or punishment for negative behavior. Words that belittle can hurt your adolescent's self-esteem. The most useful tools in raising young people are love, compassion, sensitivity, praise, understanding, and communication.
- Teach your adolescent that rights and responsibilities go hand in hand, and give your child increasing responsibility for his or her personal well-being and that of the family. Provide your child opportunities to help around the house and to become involved in family decision-making discussions. In doing so, seek your child's input and help him or her to understand the process that you use to make those decisions. Look for situations that can allow your child to test decision-making skills with the support of caring adults. Supportive adults can help provide your child with an understanding of the impact of those decisions on both your child and others. They also can assist your adolescent in coping with the results of these choices.
- Help your adolescent move toward independence. For each youth, the need to assert independence will happen at different times and through different means. Becoming attuned to your children's attempts to operate independently will help you support those efforts and provide guidance when early attempts at decision-making result in less than desired outcomes. It is sometimes difficult for parents to give up control out of concern for their child's safety. Remember, though, that adolescents' skills in coping with increasing responsibility will be enhanced by parents' willingness to support them as they make choices and face new challenges.
- Offer your child chances to become involved in the community. All young people are searching to find their place in the world. Involving adolescents in developing solutions to community problems can shift their focus from themselves and help them to develop skills and feel involved and empowered.
- Spend quality and quantity time with your adolescent. Adolescence is a time when young people naturally begin to pull away from the family and spend more time at school, with friends, or at a job. Still, time spent with caring parents is key to young people's ability to grow emotionally and socially. Take advantage of times that your adolescent is home, over dinner or watching a ball game, to continue building your relationship. Become involved in your child's outside interests. Your involvement will both show your support and help you stay informed about your child's life.
- Encourage other caring adults, including friends and relatives, to spend time with your adolescent. Aunts and uncles or adult neighbors can offer your child further support, guidance, and attention.
- Accept that you have feelings too. You may feel frustrated, angry, discouraged, or sad during difficult times with your adolescent. Being a good parent doesn't mean being perfect. Model the ability to apologize when you feel that you let your emotions get the best of you. Your example will help your child understand human frailty and ways of mending relationships strained by stress or disagreement.
- Seek support and guidance for yourself in dealing with the changes in a child moving through adolescence. Learn about the signs of crisis, and talk with other parents or professionals. By doing so, you can begin to tell the difference between adolescent behavior that indicates a youth in crisis and the usual behavior associated with a life passage.
- Remember that most youth have problems at some time. Acting-out behavior can be a normal part of becoming an adult. Parents sometimes needlessly feel embarrassed when their child is having trouble. Do not assume that your child's behavior always reflects on the quality of your parenting.
- Do not always push for drastic or dramatic solutions. Sometimes young people just need time and support to work through their problems.
- Continue to provide all of your children with positive feedback and opportunities to grow. Reflect on what you wanted for your children during better times: health, happiness, and movement toward a promising future. Offer them chances to strengthen their skills and develop a sense of competence, usefulness, and belonging.
When Your Adolescent Needs Help
All youth need daily support and guidance. But some young people whose adolescence is marked by more serious struggles may require help from outside the family. Many people believe that family matters should be kept private. Seeking help, however, simply means that you are drawing on every community resource that you can to support your child.
It is never too late to reach out for help. But early intervention with young people who are troubled is crucial to reducing the damage that problems, or the resulting acting-out behavior, might cause. Watch for these signs that your child might need help in dealing with the difficulties of adolescence:
- Large amounts of time spent alone, and isolation from family and friends
- Sudden changes in school performance
- Drastic mood swings or changes in behavior
- Changes in your child's peer group or separation from long-time friends
- Lack of interest in hobbies or social and recreational activities
Keep in mind that these signs do not always mean that your adolescent is in trouble. Some changes in friendships, for example, are normal as young people mature and find new interests. Changes in the family situation, such as moving to a new town, also can affect adolescent behavior as they deal with leaving friends and joining a new school.
Also, all young people are different. An introverted youth, for example, may enjoy spending time alone reading. On the other hand, an extroverted young person may have trouble focusing on school in the less structured academic situations of most middle or junior high schools. Parents usually can best assess how their children are doing on the basis of experience. Yet during adolescence, youth often stop sharing as much information with their parents as they did at younger ages.
The first step for parents in dealing with concerns about their adolescents, therefore, is to improve or reopen the lines of communication. Simply talking with adolescents, without focusing on immediate concerns, gives young people the chance to share their struggles or provide reassurance that they are comfortable and doing well.
If problems appear to persist and your child seems reluctant or unable to discuss them with you, try talking with him or her in a nonconfrontational manner about the changes that you notice. Express your concern for your child's well-being and your interest in helping in any way possible. But be prepared for a defensive reaction, and listen and ask questions. Be willing to help your adolescent talk through problems, rather than immediately giving solutions.
If your efforts to talk with your child do not appear to be working, you might get an outside perspective from a close and trusted friend or relative. You also can seek support and guidance on dealing with your teen through other community resources:
- Health care professionals, guidance counselors, teachers, or the principal at your child's school
- Your local government, which may offer service to families through a range of social service agencies (You can find the telephone numbers for local government agencies in your phone book. Look for agencies with the following key words: youth, families, mental health, social services, human services, or crisis intervention. Many local governments also have an Information and Referral line that you can call for help in finding the right services.)
- Your local chapter of the United Way, which typically funds social service programs in communities
- Community organizations that offer services to young people and their families (Look in the Yellow Pages under "Youth Organizations" or "Youth Centers.")
- The social work or social service department of a local hospital, especially a children's hospital
- The employee assistance program at your workplace
- Parent support groups or parenting education classes that address parenting issues or specific issues such as adolescent drug use
- Independent counselors and psychologists in your area (Look in the Yellow Pages under "Psychologists" or "Therapists.")
In addition, a good way to help your adolescent through troubled times is to focus on yourself. By improving your ability to cope with the effects of your adolescent's changing behavior, you make it more likely that you will be able to help your child. Seeking help for yourself also shifts the focus away from your adolescent, who may feel exposed and vulnerable under the sudden scrutiny of a range of outsiders. By looking for help for yourself, you are modeling good coping skills and learning new tools for dealing with stress. Perhaps most importantly, you are reassuring your adolescent that the family works through its difficult times without blaming any family member.
Making the Most of Available Resources
Most social service agencies or helping organizations offer valuable services. Generally, their staff truly care about helping you and your adolescent. Not all agencies, however, may offer the services that you need. Some also may have a style of offering services that may not be comfortable for you or your family. So it is important, even in crisis, that you treat the selection of an agency to assist you as you would any other important consumer decision, such as buying a car or a house. Look at a number of options and ask agencies questions such as the following:
- Could you describe the philosophy of the agency regarding working with adolescents and their families?
(Most youth professionals believe that services to young people should address the total needs of your child. An agency with such a "holistic" approach to helping your child will offer health care, counseling, recreation, and family support, either directly or by referral to other agencies. To be effective, these services should help young people develop a sense of belonging, give them chances to master skills and tasks, assist them in learning how to make choices about their future, and support their efforts to contribute to the community.)
- Could you describe the services you offer (type, where offered, length of time services are available)?
- What is the makeup of your staff (for example, racial/ethnic background, gender, and education and experience level)?
- Are there other community agencies that can share their perspective with me about the work of your agency with young people and their families?
- What is expected of my child and me if we participate in your services or program (for example, time and contractual obligations)?
- If we are assigned to work with one of your staff with whom we do not feel comfortable, would we be able to request a change?
- Will all information on my child's case be held confidential?
- What would you do if your staff appeared unable to help my child or me?
- How soon could we access the services (is there a waiting list)?
- What is the cost of the services?
- Is any financial assistance available to help with this cost (for example, Medicaid)?
- What do I do next if I would like to have my child receive these services?
Keep detailed notes on every contact that you make. These notes should include the name of staff people with whom you speak, what they tell you, whether they are sending more information in the mail, how you felt about the interaction, and the date. You can use the information later to choose the agency that seems most appropriate.
You may run into obstacles while seeking assistance for your child. Occasionally, for example, you may speak with someone who does not appear to fully understand the issues facing you and your child. Or you might find yourself being referred from agency to agency. At these times, get support and advice from friends and relatives. They can help you view such obstacles for what they are: "bumps in the road" on the way to finding help rather than dead ends. Your persistence will pay off when you find services that meet the needs of your family.
When Your Adolescent Is In Trouble
Despite a parent's best efforts, some young people find themselves in trouble with the law. Peer pressure, the need to assert independence, or misjudgments can place your adolescent at risk of involvement in activities that result in arrest and processing through the local juvenile justice system.
Juvenile justice systems vary widely between communities. If your child becomes involved in the juvenile justice system, your first step is to learn how the system in your area works. This knowledge will allow you to advocate for an outcome that teaches your child about the results of inappropriate behavior without hurting his or her prospects for the future.
Begin by asking the processing officer at the police station (usually an officer in the juvenile division) to explain the process to you:
- Why was my child arrested?
- Will you have to detain my child or can he or she be released in my custody? Will we need to post bond?
- Will my child have a record simply as a result of the arrest?
- Whom should I speak with to get assistance if my child is referred to juvenile court?
In many cases, particularly for minor offenses or a first-time arrest, youth will be released into their parent's custody. They also may be diverted into a community service program where they will be expected to perform volunteer service. In exchange, the charges against them will be dropped.
If your child is referred to juvenile court, however, what happens next will depend on the structure of the local system, the actions of the prosecutor's office, and the availability of diversion or treatment programs. The prosecutor and juvenile court staff can tell you what to expect from the process. (Juvenile court staff include intake or probation department staff who often conduct preliminary investigations. These investigations provide juvenile court judges with background information they use to decide on dispositions.)
You also are well advised to seek legal counsel if your child is referred to the court system. Youth of families without financial resources can request counsel from the local public defender's office. Even if you obtain a lawyer to represent your child, you should accompany your teen through all juvenile justice system processing: intake, meetings with juvenile court staff and diversionary or treatment program staff, and any court hearings.
Keep in mind that the main intent of most juvenile justice systems is to help young people redirect their lives, not simply to punish them. Still, your role in advocating for your child is crucial. There are several alternatives to a court hearing, court decision, or detention. Your child can be diverted, for example, into a treatment program. Further, when a court hearing and decision are required, courts usually view a parent's involvement in the case positively when making a decision.
Further, it often is in times of crisis that bonds between parents and adolescents are reaffirmed. At those times, youth again turn to their parents for support and protection. Troubling circumstances may present parents of adolescents with opportunities to show their love and support, to help their child obtain services to deal with specific problems, and to strengthen interpersonal connections that will benefit the family for years to come.
